Dress Rehearsal: Every Character's Nightmare
by Master Skyguy
Summary: Before the Battle of Five Armies, the characters need to rehearse: they must make sure they all remember their lines. Somehow, they manage to put something together before the big performance, though it may not be what you expect...


**Hello Everybody! This is just a random thing I found while I was searching through my past stuff. I wrote this as a school project in Grade 7. I thought it was a little funny, and I hope you do too. Enjoy!**

"Okay, places everyone!" The Narrator said. "This is a dress rehearsal. Do it exactly as you would during the performance. Aaaand action!"

"Can we have the treasure?" Bard asked.

"No!" Thorin said.

"Half the treasure?

"No!"

"Just a little itty bit of the treasure?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Just kidding. No."

"Fine. Me and Thranduil will just hold siege on the castle."

"It's a mountain."

"Me and Thranduil will hold siege on the mountain then."

"That sounds stupid."

"But you said-! Never mind."

Suddenly Bilbo appeared on stage, "The eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!"

"Not now you idiot," the Narrator sighed, "that line comes later."

"Oops, sorry. Carry on. I said nothing."

"Guess what!" Thranduil announced.

Bilbo looked slightly confused. "What?"

"I'm fabulaaaaaas!"

"Ookaaay…"

Bard interrupted, " Anyway… We want treasure! We want treasure! Come on Men! Start chanting!"

The Men of Lake-Town reluctantly started chanting. "We want treasure! We want treasure! Etc."

Bard sighed. "Come on men! Keep chanting!"

"They get the message. Anyways, we don't want to wear out our voices. You always make us do random battle screams while we charge."

"Of course I do. This is the Battle of Five Armies!"

Thranduil interrupted his moment of glory. " Five armies? I only see," he pointed to each army, "one, two, they don't count as an army, two armies.

Dain appeared behind him. "Hello!"

Bard and Thranduil shrieked. Thranduil jumped into Bard's arms. "Where did you come from?"

"The Iron Hills."

Bard dropped Thranduil. "Ow!"

"Huh?"

"I said-"

"I know what you said. How did you get here?" Bard asked.

"We walked."

"I don't care how you got here. Why are you here?"

"Thor called us."

" I heard that! It's Thorin," the Dwarf King called from his mountain.

"Whatevs Thorny."

"I called for you like three days ago. How did you only just get here? What took you so long?"

"Nothing. We got here yesterday morning. I was just waiting for the opportune moment."

"What does opportune mean?" Thranduil asked, ever the all-knowing elf-lord.

"It means perfect. Now shut up," Bard snapped. Thranduil raised his hand to his heart in offense.

"Soooooo, what were we here for again?" Bilbo asked.

"Oh yeah!" Bard resumed his chant. "We want treasure! We want treasure!"

"No."

"Fine." Bard paused then... "Chaaaarge!"

Thranduil looked up from the daisies he was picking. "What? Oh. Charge then I guess."

Gandalf stepped in. "Dudes, no charge."

"Whyyyyyy?" Bard whined

"Because orcs, that's why."

"What orcs?" Thranduil asked.

Bolg appeared behind him. "These orcs."

Thranduil jumped. "Eek! Why do people keep jump scaring us?"

"Well, at least we're closer to Five armies than before," Bard sighed.

"Ummm, shouldn't you be like, trying to kill orcs or something right now?" Bilbo suggested.

Dain agreed, "Good idea. Diiiiiiiiee!"

"Yeah! What he said," Everyone but Bilbo and Gandalf chorused.

 **Scene Change**

 **The Battle**

"I'm so fabulas! I'm so fabulas!" A certain elf Lord pranced around killing orcs.

"Die evil elf!" an orc snarled.

"Hey! I'm not evil, you're evil!"

"Okay. Die not evil elf!"

"I don't wanna die!"

The orc stabbed Thranduil. He collapsed on the ground.

"Hehe!" the orc said in a singsong voice. "I killed an elf! I killed an elf!"

"No you didn't. I'm just a good actor." Thranduil jumped up and killed the orc.

"No fair!" the orc whined as it died.

"Heeeeeeeeelp!" Bard screamed from offstage.

Thranduil sighed. "Better go help the little boy."

Bard randomly appeared from offstage. "I'm not a little boy!"

"Yes you are!"

"No, I'm not."

"You are where I come from."

Bard remembered why he was screaming in the first place. "We're all gonna die!"

Thorin shook his head. "No we're not. I'm off to kill Bolg."

"Well that's just great."

"Bye! Have fun!" Thranduil exclaimed.

 **Scene Change**

 **Killing Bolg**

"Die," Thorin said

Bolg disagreed. "No."

"Please die?"

"No."

"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

"No. And I don't like cherries."

"Why won't you die?"

"Because I don't feel like it. Why don't you die?"

"Because I don't want to."

"That's ironic. Because you're going to," Bolg sneered.

Thorin looked confused. "What?"

Bolg stabbed Thorin in the stomach, "Hehe. See ya!"

Thranduil suddenly appeared onstage to drag away Thorin's body. "So did you have fun?"

"Curse you, elf!" Thorin gasped before he died."

Thranduil looked confused. "Huh? Why?"

"Bilbo," the Narrator said, waking up the sleeping Bilbo.

Bilbo looked up sleepily. "Yes?" he yawned.

"That's your cue."

"What cue?"

"Just say your line."

"What line?"

"The one that…"

Bilbo interrupted the Narrator. "Oh, that line. Okay! The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!" he shouted.

Thranduil looked up from his power nap. "What Eagles?"

Bard rolled his eyes and pointed at the sky. "Those Eagles!"

"Aha! Five armies! See?" Thranduil exclaimed, pointing to each army in turn. "One, Two, Three, Four, Five!"

"See, I told you there would be five armies!"

Gandalf suddenly appeared on stage. He had slept in and forced the narrator to fill in for him. Somehow, he knew exactly what scene we were on. "You know, you two aren't exactly helping this battle."

"Should we do something?" Thranduil asked.

"No. I'll do something," Bard said. "You stay here and be fabulous and I'll go win this war."

Thranduil did a fabulous hairflip before saying, "You're right. I am fabulous. But I am not just going to sit here while you get yourself killed."

"I am not going to die!" Bard exclaimed.

"Yes you will. You're a human. They always end up dying. And losing. So I'm going. You stay here."

"Let's both go."

"Okay. Gandalf, can we ride the Eagles?"

"Sure!" Gandalf said. "Gwaihir, get over here!"

Gwaihir landed on a rock next to them. "Hello!"

"Can you fly these two around?"

"Sure. But that creature," he gestured to Thranduil, "won't do much."

"?"

"You don't have a bow," Gwaihir explained.

"Yes I do. Picks up Kili's bow. I can use this one. Kili won't mind."

Gwaihir shrugged. "Off we go."

Bard waved as they took off. "Bye Gandalf!"

 **Scene Change**

 **Flying on Gwaihir**

"Let's go kill some orcs!" Bard said enthusiastically.

Thranduil kept shooting orcs. "This is fun!"

"Wheeeeee!"

"Land!" Thranduil said.

Gwaihir look back at the elf. "What? Yes of course there's land down there."

"No, land! Like, go down!" Thranduil exclaimed in annoyance.

"Oh, Yeah. Sure!"

 **Scene Change**

 **On the ground**

Bard ran around stabbing orcs. "Die! Die! Die!"

Thranduil followed him stabbing the already dead orcs. "Yeah, what he said!"

 **Scene change**

 **Five minutes later…**

Everybody except Bilbo shouted, "Yay!"

Bilbo looked confused. "Gandalf?"

"Yes?" Gandalf replied.

"Why is everyone so happy?"

"They just won a war. Where have you been? Living under a rock?"

"Um…" Bilbo crawled out from under a rock. "Yes. I was also unconscious for most of it."

"Well we won. The End."

"Okay everybody, good job!" the Narrator said enthusiastically. "I think we're ready for our performance tomorrow. Don't forget, we're not at the theater tomorrow, but Erebor. Don't be late."

As everyone started to file out, the Narrator sat down and wiped her brow. "Phew, glad that's over," she muttered. "What am I doing tomorrow?" The Narrator looked at her schedule. "Oh good. There's nothing. Maybe I can spend this time to work on the other stories I've been writing."

The Narrator stood up and disappeared. She's cool like that.

THE END!

 **A/N: Please Review! Sorry if that was kinda dumb. I wrote it last year, and... yeah. I hope you liked it...**


End file.
